I Love (HATE) The Gym

Do you ever get that urge to go to the gym cause you’re tired of being fat & out of shape? Oh, all the time? Yeah, me too.

Here’s the story. I’ve been struggling with getting the “body of my dreams” for almost 10 years. 10 YEARS. TEN YEARS. Have I succeeded? No. Am I almost there? No. Have I ever succeeded or almost been there? Yes! Okay… No.

I have a syndrome that caused me to gain a substantial amount of weight in a short period of time. Doctor after doctor told me it would be very difficult to lose… My metabolism was compared to the tortoise in that Tortoise & the Hare story. I was depressed about it for a very long time… But do you know what depression does? NOTHING. Except make you FATTER (okay, maybe that’s just me… I like to eat! I can’t help it). But do you know what happens at the end of The Tortoise & The Hare?

So… Therefore, I have decided that I’m going to win.

Rewind back to the beginning where I told you I have struggled with this incredibly loonnngggg journey of mine in the search for my beautifully sculpted bod. It’s simple really.

Let me tell you why. Most days, the gym is my own personal hell. I love it because I know what fitness can do for me. I know that exercise is great for my body, mind, & soul (or so that’s what all the fitness magazines & online articles that consume my Facebook newsfeed tell me)… But I also know that the elliptical kicks my ass. I know that my arms are tired from doing weights & my knees feel like toothpicks during lunges. I know that the girl in front of me on the treadmill was born with that figure that I’m envious of (you know… the one who shrinks right back up after she has had a baby like nothing ever happened… Like she didn’t just push a watermelon out of her tiny self. C’mon!) I know that I can do a whopping 5 push-ups (Fine… 5 of the “girl ones”).  I know that this Guido (Is that still a thing? Can I still use that word?) ridden place, along with a healthy (boring) change in how much I choose to consume & what I choose to feast on, can give me the healthy lifestyle the majority of us seek.

So, here I am… Week 4 of my change. This is approximately the 72nd “Week 4” I’ve ever had in an attempt to get fit, just so you know. But that’s beside the point.

I want it this time. Not for some guy… Not in hopes of living a life like those perfect characters on Gossip Girl (whom I love dearly)… Not for a job or cause it’s annoying being the chunky chick on a night out with friends… But I want it for me. I want to be healthy & have a banging body. I don’t want to look pregnant or feel like a kangaroo whenever I wear a damn romper. I want to prove my doctors wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. I know that. This is probably the most difficult challenge I’ve ever signed up for… But it’s one I don’t want to quit this time. I don’t want to walk away. I don’t want to give up cause it’s hard. I want to work for it & not give up when my body wants to shut down.

& I’m going do it.

Watch me.

“Because at the end of the day, I’m doing it for me.”

I’m Late

Okay, that didn’t come out right.

What I meant is I’m literally late, tardy, not there (anywhere) on time … ALL THE TIME.

The only thing consistent about me is the fact that I will never be where you’ve asked or expected me to be at the time you tell me to be there… Heck, probably not even at the time I tell you I’ll be there.

Weddings, work, dinner date, movie, even a night in… I WON’T BE THERE ON TIME.

Bridal shower is at 1? Oh, that’s great… Except for it’s the bridal shower at MY house that I’m throwing for MY best friend… & I’m still rolling in around 1:30 (& that’s only if I’m rushing).

This is by far one of my absolute worst qualities. I’ve tried working on it. I set more alarms than a prison in full lockdown. I use entire sticky note pads as reminders for one event. I set alert after alert in my phone. Try to prepare the night before. Plan my time accordingly so I can leave my house (or wherever I am) & arrive at the destination at the proper time.

No. No. NO.

It doesn’t work (cause I’m difficult).

So I feel like I should simply apologize. Not for being late (cause I’ve probably already done that several times & I will do it again, several times) but for that little sense of anger/annoyance/agitation that I continually never fail to cause to erupt inside of you…

All I ask is:

To my past, present & future employers… I will rock your world with my crazy (unique) & free-spirited work ethic… & I will piss you off with my lateness. Please keep me around, I’m worth it! In reality, it’s just less time you have to pay me for… So, you’re welcome. 

& all you others, at the end of the day… Please remember you DO love me, hence why you asked to spend time with me in the first place BEFORE my “tardy texts” got out of hand.

What Image Are You Really Portraying?

Today, my brother’s & I were discussing dating/relationships in general in this day in age.

We were talking about how shallow many relationships have become. How people are jumping into matrimony with no sense of “team”, selflessness, humbleness, or true meaning of sacrifice that a marriage requires.

Last but not least, we were talking about how “stupid” girls have become.

(Now, before I continue, we are well aware there are many immature guys out there with little-to-no self control, nor true respect for women.)

I was telling them how I’ve heard several times from ladies how they’re “so done” cause of the way “he” treated them. Yet, that very girl slept with him repetitively since the first week & never consistently gave him anything to respect.

Again, I’m not condoning the male behavior, but I am saying that I am well aware of how easy girls have become.

We want attention & will do anything to get it.  We are so thrilled to get him looking our way that any hint of interest from the male species keeps us hanging on, even if it’s negative attention & an unhealthy situation.

Now, this is my stance on the topic. I was curious for the male perspective to see if guys could genuinely like & respect a female who throws herself at them/”plays games”/waits on them hand & foot/is so willing to wait around on them to be “ready” to jump into a committed relationship but will sleep with them in the meantime cause, you know, he really likes you & all… 😏

Their response: “A lot of our guy friends have said how dumb & easy girls have become these days.”

They went on to explain how guys are well-aware of the crazy crap girls pull & how even when they say they’re “done” & “leaving”… That they’ll be back.

So, ladies… You havta give people something to respect. Wanna know why most guys are “douche bags” & get away with it? CAUSE GIRL’S STILL GO FOR THEM & don’t mind being treated a certain way cause they get the guy.

Guys don’t have to be gentlemen anymore cause the female population (not all, just most) will still fall for them. Look for the one who is a gentleman & treats you like a queen cause he wants to & (to a degree) HAS to cause you demand that kind of respect & loyalty. Stay classy.

Don’t give it all up, walk away & then come right back to him & keep wondering why he doesn’t wanna commit to you.

Is it him treating you like crap? Or you allowing him to treat you like crap?


Think on it.

Dear Me…

Dear 16-year-old Sarah,

So you just had your first heartbreak…

I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry he treated you that way & said the things he did. I’m sorry you’re taking his words to heart. I’m sorry you think this is you’re fault & that you’re blaming yourself & replaying where you & only you went wrong. I’m sorry he’s consuming so much of your thoughts & time.

Most of all… I’m sorry you’ve yet to discover all the doors opening from the one door he slammed shut.

Thankfully, I can promise you this is the last time (for a while, at least) that you will ever feel so low.

(If it makes you feel any better, you didn’t miss out on anything, he did. He turns out to not be your type… So instead of crying & giving him the amount of power over you that you sadly do, you should be thanking him.)

Because he let you go, you’re now free to be 100% yourself! To find someone who really cherishes you & sees the wonderful person you are… (Cause trust me, you really are one-of-a-kind). He also taught you that it’s a damn good thing to be picky about who you let in… Whether it be potential boyfriends or even just friends. 

Don’t you dare change your personality, Sarah! Don’t change your sense of humor or the way you style your hair. Don’t change the way you laugh or how much you talk (sadly, that last part never changes.  But it’s okay. You’ll come to find that your big, outgoing, smiley mouth is what draws people to you, trust me.) Want to make a change? Change how easily you trust.

While you’re busy moping around over señor douchebag… There are a few things I want to suggest you do.

1) Workout. I’m not saying live at the gym, but even a nice breezy walk or lifting some weights will help change your mood & help you de-stress. Trust me, girl, it works wonders for your overall health & state of mind. 🙏

2) Find hobbies you enjoy. They’ll keep you busy… You need to spend time doing things you enjoy right now.

3) Take some time for yourself. Don’t jump back into hanging with friends right away. When you feel the need to be alone, be.

4) Let yourself be happy. Yes, conditions & events do mold your emotions, but make happiness your state of mind. Wake up with a touch of optimism & positivity. Get your mind right.

5) Cry. It feels good. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you feel. DUH.

6) DON’T creep on his Facebook. You don’t needta see his business & he sure as hell shouldn’t be snooping in yours. Those days are over. For now.

7) Remember it’s his loss, not yours. Him leaving was truly a favor. If anything, it benefited you.

8) Enjoy your youth. When people say you’re young, you really are young. REALLY young. 50 years from now is a different story…

9) He was you first love. He won’t be your last.

10) Everyone has to go through heartbreak & breakups. Hurt, feel it, then grow. One day you’ll look back trying to remember what you ever saw in him in the first place. 

(Years later…You’re still trying to figure that out.)

11) He didn’t break up with you cause you’re “hideous” & “boring” (God knows you’re anything but boring, crazy girl…) Get that outta your head. He broke up with you cause he’s a 19 year old male & you wouldn’t put out… & I am so proud of you for that, Sarah. I’m proud of you.

12) Clean your freaking room. As much as you hate cleaning… Somewhere deep (way, way, WAY deep) inside, it’s therapeutic. 

13) You’ll come to find that after every breakup or life changing event, you rearrange your room… This is the first time it comes into play. Enjoy!

14) Buy yourself flowers. You deserve it. 😘

15) Focus on school. Seriously. You need to. You’re so smart but you’re spending way too much time with the wrong people. Regroup. Take the time & energy you’re putting into missing him & hanging with these people… & redirect it towards your education (& especially that GPA, yikes). You have such potential… I know how much you want to give up & how most of the things you’re learning are irrelevant & don’t make sense… Stick with it. Your scholarship will pay for your first two years of college & then some.

Believe me now?

16) Don’t ever give someone the satisfaction of you begging for their attention or affection. Women never beg. You’ll never do this again, I promise you that. If they want to go, let them. You don’t need anyone who doesn’t need you, my dear. You’re worth fighting for.

Yeah, you’ll miss them, temporarily… & then you’ll forget their names… & they’ll continue kicking themselves & missing you. They frequently tell you so. You’ll be polite & say you miss them too… You’re lying.

17) Stop. STOP. Honestly. Take a breath. What did he ever do for you? Any decent human being wouldn’t let you go so easily, especially in the manner he did. He’s 19. What do you think the odds were of you two actually working out?

18) Don’t become who hurt you. That’s one pointer you’ve known all along. Keep that mentality.

PS: You’ll become friends again years later after he apologizes to you… But you’ll never feel for him again.

(He misses you. He still wonders “what if”. He regrets leaving. You haven’t thought about him in years. Safe to say you came out on top.)

From this one, you only get a lesson, not the man… But it’s a lesson that ultimately molds who you become. Without him, you’d be a little more weak, a lot more eager & dependent on another human being & a whole lot insecure. But listen to me, girly… Don’t you EVER allow yourself to be propped up by another. No one will ever be as sturdy for you as you can be for yourself.

Someday you’ll learn to love yourself… It’s a process, but you’ll get there…

Til then,

Know that I love & value you.

Each day is a new day to get it right… Make it happen, kid. You’re going places.


23-year-old Sarah