Double Texting

(PSA: Entirely written from a female-perspective since I’ve never been a male, yet have gathered they don’t always think as into things as most of us tend do… Or so I’ve experienced.)

 

You know what makes me laugh?

 
Dating.

I’m not talking about relationships… More so the stage before a relationship where you’re flirting with some cutie at the bar & swap numbers. & that’s the moment all the questions start popping in your head.
“Was he really as interested in me as he seemed?” “Should I text him first?” “Should I wait to get in touch with him?”
…”I bet he gives everyone his number.”
Anywho, you start chatting, things seem great, days worth of these easy back-and-forth convos… & then it happens…

HE. DOESN’T. RESPOND.

Great. So now you feel you’ve “lost” him (though in reality, you never really HAD him… Yet, at least).

 

You debate with yourself. “Do I double text? Do I let it go? Will he be in touch? If he doesn’t get in touch by 10PM tonight, should I reach out? But will I look desperate?!” You ask your friends, your mama, your sister, your friend’s second cousin’s former step brother’s girlfriend…

Honestly (& thankfully), I think I’ve only experienced anxiety about a guy not texting me back once, maybe twice, when I was like 16. Other than that, I’ve just always been around friends & randoms who’ve talked about it. But I DO remember the feeling.

 

 

(Looking back, I probably SHOULD have cared… Just a tiny bit more, at least. I’m absolutely sure I annoyed guys in the past [I’m guilty of having a hard time getting all my thoughts out in one text. Sometimes my wittiness decides to show itself 5 seconds post-initial text… & I just HAVE to say it cause I don’t know when I’ll be funny again]… But they annoyed me too by not responding! On the flip side, there were also several times when I was the one who didn’t respond. Early on, a double text is okay, but don’t quadruple it. That really is annoying. Calm yourself. I’ll respond… But maybe a little slower now since my phone won’t stop dinging & flashing your name… MOVING ON)…

Once you’re in a relationship, it’s a different story (especially when you’re approx. 4-6 months in). You’re feeling pretty secure, life is good, you’re super close to your S.O.

 
Being in an exclusive relationship gives you all the power in the world to double text, triple text, quadruple text, ETC!

If I’m chatting with my man & he stops responding (usually he’s either: working, sleeping, cooking, playing video games, hanging out with friends/family or showering—cause he’s obsessed with long showers, bless him)… I will text him 10 times, I don’t even care. What’s he gonna do? LEAVE me? Over the occasional excessive text?! Ha! HE LOVES ME. I can do whatever I want!!!!! –> (within reason) <—

& THAT, my friends, is power.

 

& sometimes my back-to-back texts to him won’t even be in regards to the same things. 😏

 

Again, flip side… I’m not clutching my phone in hopes he’ll promptly return my text & being anxiety ridden until he does, thinking of all the “stupid” things I just sent him. 84% of our conversations are stupid, I’m not really trying to “woo” him anymore… Doesn’t mean I don’t try to make sure our love stays strong, just that he knows & loves me enough to not leave me cause I send him two text messages in a row. I can’t help that when something funny or amazing happens, HE IS THE ONE I WANT TO TELL.

 

The beauty of relationships, people. Freedom of speech in abundance.

 

(I have ZERO advice in this post. Just really acknowledging the fact that if something were to ever happen & my fella & I split… I’d be screwed in the dating pool cause I have ZERO self control when it comes to holding back & strategically timed/spaced texts & conversations.)
Amen.

THIS IS ME.

This is me. The REAL me. 100% unfiltered, non-dolled up, haven’t even brushed my hair after showering…me.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

To post something like this, opening myself to criticism (even from myself) is a very difficult thing for me to do. But it’s honest.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

For as long as I can remember, my confidence & self image has been non-existent. The amount of self-doubt & self-HATE that I possessed for myself was so unhealthy to the point I cut off people I loved & who loved me because I didn’t feel worthy. I would avoid going anywhere, even to the grocery store, cause I was humiliated for people to have to see me.

I hated myself. I hated the “skin” I live in.

I gained a massive amount of weight in a short period of time from a hormone issue/endocrine disorder that consumed me & my mind for 12 years.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

But now, in this place of my life, I’ve come to love my crazy, wild hair that grows so slowly. I’ve come to not care about my thin eyebrows (they’re just that… Eyebrows). I’ve come to accept my knock-knees I inherited from my beautiful mama… & my “Lebanese nose”. I’ve come to realize that having uneven skin is just a part of life. I’ve come to the point where I don’t care that my thighs & “bat wings” jiggle cause I am beyond blessed to have properly working arms & legs. My belly is squishy, I’m pale, & I have cellulite on my thighs.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

But ya know what…?

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

I love myself BECAUSE I am perfectly imperfect.

I LOVE MYSELF because I have a heart of gold. I love myself because I’m surrounded by amazing people who wouldn’t be there if I weren’t worth loving. I love myself because I was made by the King of Kings… The great I AM. I love myself because it’s too exhausting to kick myself down any more. I LOVE myself cause I now realize the things I once hated about myself are the very things that set me apart… That make me unique… That make me, ME.

 

I REFUSE to be so hard on myself. I REFUSE to think negative thoughts about who I am & especially what I look like. I REFUSE to let the people I love think I don’t hear them or that I’m not listening when they tell me I look beautiful… Or when they tell me they love me… Or when they try to remind me that I’m smart, gifted, & kind.
I refuse to hurt them by hating myself.
Why people put so much emphasis on looks, I will never understand… It has caused so many people to think less of themselves for not fitting this mold… It has caused ME to think less of myself.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

These things I hated for years about myself are NOT SO BAD. They’re not the end of the world.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Hating yourself, telling yourself you CAN’T do something, that you’re not good enough, & being your own worst enemy… THAT is what’s bad. THAT will be your downfall.
So as nice as it is to hear people tell you they love you, I want YOU to look in the mirror & tell that person looking back at you that you love them… That they are valuable… That they are capable of anything they want to do with their life & that NO superficial “beauty standard” will EVER take away from their natural beauty.

This is easily the most revealing & hardest thing I’ve ever shared… But it has also been the most invigorating.
Love yourself. Believe in yourself. & most importantly, forgive yourself for not doing so sooner. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

xx.

What Image Are You Really Portraying?

Today, my brother’s & I were discussing dating/relationships in general in this day in age.


We were talking about how shallow many relationships have become. How people are jumping into matrimony with no sense of “team”, selflessness, humbleness, or true meaning of sacrifice that a marriage requires.


Last but not least, we were talking about how “stupid” girls have become.


(Now, before I continue, we are well aware there are many immature guys out there with little-to-no self control, nor true respect for women.)


I was telling them how I’ve heard several times from ladies how they’re “so done” cause of the way “he” treated them. Yet, that very girl slept with him repetitively since the first week & never consistently gave him anything to respect.


Again, I’m not condoning the male behavior, but I am saying that I am well aware of how easy girls have become.


We want attention & will do anything to get it.  We are so thrilled to get him looking our way that any hint of interest from the male species keeps us hanging on, even if it’s negative attention & an unhealthy situation.



Now, this is my stance on the topic. I was curious for the male perspective to see if guys could genuinely like & respect a female who throws herself at them/”plays games”/waits on them hand & foot/is so willing to wait around on them to be “ready” to jump into a committed relationship but will sleep with them in the meantime cause, you know, he really likes you & all… 😏

Their response: “A lot of our guy friends have said how dumb & easy girls have become these days.”

They went on to explain how guys are well-aware of the crazy crap girls pull & how even when they say they’re “done” & “leaving”… That they’ll be back.

So, ladies… You havta give people something to respect. Wanna know why most guys are “douche bags” & get away with it? CAUSE GIRL’S STILL GO FOR THEM & don’t mind being treated a certain way cause they get the guy.

Guys don’t have to be gentlemen anymore cause the female population (not all, just most) will still fall for them. Look for the one who is a gentleman & treats you like a queen cause he wants to & (to a degree) HAS to cause you demand that kind of respect & loyalty. Stay classy.

Don’t give it all up, walk away & then come right back to him & keep wondering why he doesn’t wanna commit to you.

Is it him treating you like crap? Or you allowing him to treat you like crap?

HELLO.

Think on it.

Dear Me…

Dear 16-year-old Sarah,


So you just had your first heartbreak…


I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry he treated you that way & said the things he did. I’m sorry you’re taking his words to heart. I’m sorry you think this is you’re fault & that you’re blaming yourself & replaying where you & only you went wrong. I’m sorry he’s consuming so much of your thoughts & time.

Most of all… I’m sorry you’ve yet to discover all the doors opening from the one door he slammed shut.


Thankfully, I can promise you this is the last time (for a while, at least) that you will ever feel so low.

(If it makes you feel any better, you didn’t miss out on anything, he did. He turns out to not be your type… So instead of crying & giving him the amount of power over you that you sadly do, you should be thanking him.)

Because he let you go, you’re now free to be 100% yourself! To find someone who really cherishes you & sees the wonderful person you are… (Cause trust me, you really are one-of-a-kind). He also taught you that it’s a damn good thing to be picky about who you let in… Whether it be potential boyfriends or even just friends. 

Don’t you dare change your personality, Sarah! Don’t change your sense of humor or the way you style your hair. Don’t change the way you laugh or how much you talk (sadly, that last part never changes.  But it’s okay. You’ll come to find that your big, outgoing, smiley mouth is what draws people to you, trust me.) Want to make a change? Change how easily you trust.

While you’re busy moping around over señor douchebag… There are a few things I want to suggest you do.


1) Workout. I’m not saying live at the gym, but even a nice breezy walk or lifting some weights will help change your mood & help you de-stress. Trust me, girl, it works wonders for your overall health & state of mind. 🙏

2) Find hobbies you enjoy. They’ll keep you busy… You need to spend time doing things you enjoy right now.

3) Take some time for yourself. Don’t jump back into hanging with friends right away. When you feel the need to be alone, be.

4) Let yourself be happy. Yes, conditions & events do mold your emotions, but make happiness your state of mind. Wake up with a touch of optimism & positivity. Get your mind right.

5) Cry. It feels good. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you feel. DUH.

6) DON’T creep on his Facebook. You don’t needta see his business & he sure as hell shouldn’t be snooping in yours. Those days are over. For now.

7) Remember it’s his loss, not yours. Him leaving was truly a favor. If anything, it benefited you.

8) Enjoy your youth. When people say you’re young, you really are young. REALLY young. 50 years from now is a different story…

9) He was you first love. He won’t be your last.

10) Everyone has to go through heartbreak & breakups. Hurt, feel it, then grow. One day you’ll look back trying to remember what you ever saw in him in the first place. 

(Years later…You’re still trying to figure that out.)

11) He didn’t break up with you cause you’re “hideous” & “boring” (God knows you’re anything but boring, crazy girl…) Get that outta your head. He broke up with you cause he’s a 19 year old male & you wouldn’t put out… & I am so proud of you for that, Sarah. I’m proud of you.

12) Clean your freaking room. As much as you hate cleaning… Somewhere deep (way, way, WAY deep) inside, it’s therapeutic. 

13) You’ll come to find that after every breakup or life changing event, you rearrange your room… This is the first time it comes into play. Enjoy!

14) Buy yourself flowers. You deserve it. 😘

15) Focus on school. Seriously. You need to. You’re so smart but you’re spending way too much time with the wrong people. Regroup. Take the time & energy you’re putting into missing him & hanging with these people… & redirect it towards your education (& especially that GPA, yikes). You have such potential… I know how much you want to give up & how most of the things you’re learning are irrelevant & don’t make sense… Stick with it. Your scholarship will pay for your first two years of college & then some.


Believe me now?

16) Don’t ever give someone the satisfaction of you begging for their attention or affection. Women never beg. You’ll never do this again, I promise you that. If they want to go, let them. You don’t need anyone who doesn’t need you, my dear. You’re worth fighting for.

Yeah, you’ll miss them, temporarily… & then you’ll forget their names… & they’ll continue kicking themselves & missing you. They frequently tell you so. You’ll be polite & say you miss them too… You’re lying.

17) Stop. STOP. Honestly. Take a breath. What did he ever do for you? Any decent human being wouldn’t let you go so easily, especially in the manner he did. He’s 19. What do you think the odds were of you two actually working out?

18) Don’t become who hurt you. That’s one pointer you’ve known all along. Keep that mentality.


PS: You’ll become friends again years later after he apologizes to you… But you’ll never feel for him again.

(He misses you. He still wonders “what if”. He regrets leaving. You haven’t thought about him in years. Safe to say you came out on top.)

From this one, you only get a lesson, not the man… But it’s a lesson that ultimately molds who you become. Without him, you’d be a little more weak, a lot more eager & dependent on another human being & a whole lot insecure. But listen to me, girly… Don’t you EVER allow yourself to be propped up by another. No one will ever be as sturdy for you as you can be for yourself.

Someday you’ll learn to love yourself… It’s a process, but you’ll get there…

Til then,

Know that I love & value you.


Each day is a new day to get it right… Make it happen, kid. You’re going places.

Sincerely,

23-year-old Sarah

Decoding

We all do it. We all have that someone or those someone’s who make us question if we’re ever gonna be together. Feelings are always one-sided, occasionally reciprocated just enough to keep you hanging on.

Guess what.

If someone wanted to be with you, they would be.

They’d do everything in their power to take you off the market… To make sure you were theirs & nobody else’s. To claim you by saying “he/she is mine“.

While, yes, there are some circumstances where someone who desperately wants you can’t be with you right now, but that’s so rare.

Guess what again.

It’s not you. It’s not them either, but most importantly you cannot blame yourself or criticize who you are simply because someone YOU were interested in wasn’t interested in you enough to take a shot on you. Their loss? Maybe. Your gain? Definitely. You should really be thanking them for not making you unavailable for someone who truly gives a damn about you, all you are & all you have to offer.

Let me reiterate something we’re often told, don’t you dare change for anyone… What would the point of that be? You’re who you are for a reason. Every experience, every decision, every moment, good & bad, has molded you… Has turned you into somebodies perfect somebody.

The key is to be confident in who you are. So what you don’t “fit” with a certain somebody? Doesn’t mean you won’t fit with anybody. It’s gonna hurt, so let it hurt… Then let it go & keep moving on. Cause life does that… It keeps moving (which is a scary, yet slightly comforting thing) no matter what the situation is, no matter how brokenhearted you are.

So next time you’re doubting whether or not there’s someone for you cause the person who had been tugging at your heart strings isn’t pulling them all the way… Remember to take a step back, reevaluate your situation (no emotions involved so you get the clear picture) & see it for all it’s worth.

Know that what you have to offer, someone else is accepting… Someone out there is looking for what you’re putting on the table… Don’t keep scraping your pockets in hopes of pulling out something that’ll catch a “potentials” eye…

 

It’s okay to fight for someone… If only they’d fight for you too.

 

& in reality… Anyone who wants to willingly stay or genuinely be with you won’t have to be fought for. They’ll be there cause they want to be.

 

“You’re A Closed Book”

they say.

“I can’t read you.”

“Why won’t you just say how you feel about me?”

“For being so outgoing, you sure are a mystery.”

Yeah, I’ve heard it all.

So I started thinking…

Am I afraid of expressing how I feel?
The act itself, no. What I’m afraid of is what happens after.

Rejection?
Nah. After that.

A relationship?
Mmm, more like the way that person you start to give a little piece of yourself your entire heart to then has the power to hurt you.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it… & of course it is, but only when you’re with the right person. Saying “I want to spend my life with you” is so simple & doesn’t mean much when you hear it (especially since it seems to be a prominent, repetitive line in chick flicks, dramas, & really any movie that involves a wedding or romance of any sort)… But think about it. Let that line sink in. I want to spend MY life… All however many years I’ll have on this planet… Every experience, every decision, every vacation, every triumph, every battle, I want you with meYOU.

& “you” is one helluva position to fill.

What’s the point of this post?

To encourage you to not let previous relationships, other peoples bad luck stories you’ve heard about throughout the years, or your own personal fears keep you from giving someone a chance. So what it didn’t work out with him/her/it/them? So what they lied to you. Cheated on you. Manipulated you. Took you for granted. Used you to their advantage. Etc. That doesn’t mean everyone will & that sure as heck doesn’t mean you should approach every potential significant other as if they’re the same as your last… As if they’re going to do the same things & treat you the same way you’re used to being treated. How can you be proven wrong when you don’t give someone the chance to prove themselves right?

The goal is to start learning how to open your book, our books. To teach ourselves that it’s okay to show a couple pages, to express how we feel about someone. To express anything.

Why?

Because it’s not fair to them that some asshole before them screwed you over. That some arrogant jerk got to you first before that special someone could treat you right & disprove the notion they’re “all the same”.

Personal Confession: I don’t trust anyone… & I HATE that. Whenever someone tells me how they feel, I second guess it & think they’re only words, that they have ulterior motives or they don’t really mean a thing. Usually, it’s not them, it really is me… cause sadly, it’s all I’ve ever known when it comes to relationships… Resulting in the fact that I’m nowhere close to opening up about how I feel about someone. It’s just not how I am. It’s always been difficult & taken me forever to even know if I have feelings for someone… & when I finally do attempt to express interest, it comes out wrong & I spend an eternity & a day trying to get it right… Resulting in me closing right back up & forgetting the whole thing. It’s more comfortable that way. But love isn’t supposed to be “comfortable”. You won’t get anywhere without taking chances & risking a little.

I’m not advising you to gamble with your heart, I’m advising you to gamble with your love life & to be confident in allowing yourself to put your emotions on the line… just a little bit. Cause ya know what? Just because your book may have been partially read, kicked around, mistreated & discarded by someone doesn’t for a second mean another someone (a special someone) will never see your story as being worthy of investment… of loving.

If you don’t allow someone the first couple pages, their only option is to part ways… Then neither of you will ever know how the story could’ve been.

Be more than just a cover. It’s okay.

I Hate Venting,

but need to for just a minute (; …

 

It’s so common for people to constantly be searching & jumping into relationships with the mentality that every one has the potential to be your next “ONE”. While this isn’t a horrible mindset, my question is… Why? What’s the point of rushing this part of your life? As the saying goes, “you can’t be happy with anyone til you’re happy with yourself“… That doesn’t mean that once you’re happy with yourself to go searching… Just means when the time comes, you’ll be ready.

When people are constantly searching, all it says is they don’t feel complete without somebody… As if to say, “I’m using YOU to fill this void I have & if you don’t fill it for me, I’ll move on to the next one I find who can patch me up a little better…” Personally, I don’t believe that’s how “love”, or even dating, was intended to be.

For some reason, many friends/people come to me for relationship advice (probably partially cause I’m blunt–oops), and I think it’s cause I’m honest with them about how ridiculous some of their situations are. Settling should never be an option. “Hooking up” is not a way of life. Constantly searching & consuming yourself with finding a significant other only takes away from living YOUR life to the fullest. & I strongly believe that.

Some people say they know from the minute they met their spouse/significant other/etc that they were the one… & that’s great! But not very common. There’s nothing wrong with getting to know someone before beginning a relationship. While yes, you DO learn a lot about someone when dating them, what’s wrong with knowing the basics about them BEFORE the commitment?

Maybe I’m too “picky”… But I’d rather be known as “picky” than someone who is constantly talking to someone new/in & out of relationships… & wavering, unstable & unhappy on my own. I LIKE being single. I LIKE being in a relationship… Either way, I really am happy… If someone comes in & sweeps me off my feet, that’s awesome. (: But I’m not looking for you… & I’m definitely not living to find you. I’ve got no voids to fill cause the Lord has filled those.

Let life be. Live each day with the mindset that it’s gonna be a great day & let that be enough. If it’s meant to happen, it will. Til then, relax & enjoy life for all it is. Your right person will come into your life on God’s time. Don’t keep jumping around in hopes of someone “clicking”… You’re unique & there’s something special about you… Stop giving that part away to all the wrong people & be patient for the right one. You’re not “too old” to find someone, there’s no time frame on love.