Double Texting

(PSA: Entirely written from a female-perspective since I’ve never been a male, yet have gathered they don’t always think as into things as most of us tend do… Or so I’ve experienced.)

 

You know what makes me laugh?

 
Dating.

I’m not talking about relationships… More so the stage before a relationship where you’re flirting with some cutie at the bar & swap numbers. & that’s the moment all the questions start popping in your head.
“Was he really as interested in me as he seemed?” “Should I text him first?” “Should I wait to get in touch with him?”
…”I bet he gives everyone his number.”
Anywho, you start chatting, things seem great, days worth of these easy back-and-forth convos… & then it happens…

HE. DOESN’T. RESPOND.

Great. So now you feel you’ve “lost” him (though in reality, you never really HAD him… Yet, at least).

 

You debate with yourself. “Do I double text? Do I let it go? Will he be in touch? If he doesn’t get in touch by 10PM tonight, should I reach out? But will I look desperate?!” You ask your friends, your mama, your sister, your friend’s second cousin’s former step brother’s girlfriend…

Honestly (& thankfully), I think I’ve only experienced anxiety about a guy not texting me back once, maybe twice, when I was like 16. Other than that, I’ve just always been around friends & randoms who’ve talked about it. But I DO remember the feeling.

 

 

(Looking back, I probably SHOULD have cared… Just a tiny bit more, at least. I’m absolutely sure I annoyed guys in the past [I’m guilty of having a hard time getting all my thoughts out in one text. Sometimes my wittiness decides to show itself 5 seconds post-initial text… & I just HAVE to say it cause I don’t know when I’ll be funny again]… But they annoyed me too by not responding! On the flip side, there were also several times when I was the one who didn’t respond. Early on, a double text is okay, but don’t quadruple it. That really is annoying. Calm yourself. I’ll respond… But maybe a little slower now since my phone won’t stop dinging & flashing your name… MOVING ON)…

Once you’re in a relationship, it’s a different story (especially when you’re approx. 4-6 months in). You’re feeling pretty secure, life is good, you’re super close to your S.O.

 
Being in an exclusive relationship gives you all the power in the world to double text, triple text, quadruple text, ETC!

If I’m chatting with my man & he stops responding (usually he’s either: working, sleeping, cooking, playing video games, hanging out with friends/family or showering—cause he’s obsessed with long showers, bless him)… I will text him 10 times, I don’t even care. What’s he gonna do? LEAVE me? Over the occasional excessive text?! Ha! HE LOVES ME. I can do whatever I want!!!!! –> (within reason) <—

& THAT, my friends, is power.

 

& sometimes my back-to-back texts to him won’t even be in regards to the same things. 😏

 

Again, flip side… I’m not clutching my phone in hopes he’ll promptly return my text & being anxiety ridden until he does, thinking of all the “stupid” things I just sent him. 84% of our conversations are stupid, I’m not really trying to “woo” him anymore… Doesn’t mean I don’t try to make sure our love stays strong, just that he knows & loves me enough to not leave me cause I send him two text messages in a row. I can’t help that when something funny or amazing happens, HE IS THE ONE I WANT TO TELL.

 

The beauty of relationships, people. Freedom of speech in abundance.

 

(I have ZERO advice in this post. Just really acknowledging the fact that if something were to ever happen & my fella & I split… I’d be screwed in the dating pool cause I have ZERO self control when it comes to holding back & strategically timed/spaced texts & conversations.)
Amen.

THIS IS ME.

This is me. The REAL me. 100% unfiltered, non-dolled up, haven’t even brushed my hair after showering…me.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

To post something like this, opening myself to criticism (even from myself) is a very difficult thing for me to do. But it’s honest.

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For as long as I can remember, my confidence & self image has been non-existent. The amount of self-doubt & self-HATE that I possessed for myself was so unhealthy to the point I cut off people I loved & who loved me because I didn’t feel worthy. I would avoid going anywhere, even to the grocery store, cause I was humiliated for people to have to see me.

I hated myself. I hated the “skin” I live in.

I gained a massive amount of weight in a short period of time from a hormone issue/endocrine disorder that consumed me & my mind for 12 years.

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But now, in this place of my life, I’ve come to love my crazy, wild hair that grows so slowly. I’ve come to not care about my thin eyebrows (they’re just that… Eyebrows). I’ve come to accept my knock-knees I inherited from my beautiful mama… & my “Lebanese nose”. I’ve come to realize that having uneven skin is just a part of life. I’ve come to the point where I don’t care that my thighs & “bat wings” jiggle cause I am beyond blessed to have properly working arms & legs. My belly is squishy, I’m pale, & I have cellulite on my thighs.

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But ya know what…?

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I love myself BECAUSE I am perfectly imperfect.

I LOVE MYSELF because I have a heart of gold. I love myself because I’m surrounded by amazing people who wouldn’t be there if I weren’t worth loving. I love myself because I was made by the King of Kings… The great I AM. I love myself because it’s too exhausting to kick myself down any more. I LOVE myself cause I now realize the things I once hated about myself are the very things that set me apart… That make me unique… That make me, ME.

 

I REFUSE to be so hard on myself. I REFUSE to think negative thoughts about who I am & especially what I look like. I REFUSE to let the people I love think I don’t hear them or that I’m not listening when they tell me I look beautiful… Or when they tell me they love me… Or when they try to remind me that I’m smart, gifted, & kind.
I refuse to hurt them by hating myself.
Why people put so much emphasis on looks, I will never understand… It has caused so many people to think less of themselves for not fitting this mold… It has caused ME to think less of myself.

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These things I hated for years about myself are NOT SO BAD. They’re not the end of the world.

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Hating yourself, telling yourself you CAN’T do something, that you’re not good enough, & being your own worst enemy… THAT is what’s bad. THAT will be your downfall.
So as nice as it is to hear people tell you they love you, I want YOU to look in the mirror & tell that person looking back at you that you love them… That they are valuable… That they are capable of anything they want to do with their life & that NO superficial “beauty standard” will EVER take away from their natural beauty.

This is easily the most revealing & hardest thing I’ve ever shared… But it has also been the most invigorating.
Love yourself. Believe in yourself. & most importantly, forgive yourself for not doing so sooner. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

xx.

I Love (HATE) The Gym

Do you ever get that urge to go to the gym cause you’re tired of being fat & out of shape? Oh, all the time? Yeah, me too.

Here’s the story. I’ve been struggling with getting the “body of my dreams” for almost 10 years. 10 YEARS. TEN YEARS. Have I succeeded? No. Am I almost there? No. Have I ever succeeded or almost been there? Yes! Okay… No.

I have a syndrome that caused me to gain a substantial amount of weight in a short period of time. Doctor after doctor told me it would be very difficult to lose… My metabolism was compared to the tortoise in that Tortoise & the Hare story. I was depressed about it for a very long time… But do you know what depression does? NOTHING. Except make you FATTER (okay, maybe that’s just me… I like to eat! I can’t help it). But do you know what happens at the end of The Tortoise & The Hare?
THE TORTOISE WINS!

So… Therefore, I have decided that I’m going to win.

Rewind back to the beginning where I told you I have struggled with this incredibly loonnngggg journey of mine in the search for my beautifully sculpted bod. It’s simple really.

Let me tell you why. Most days, the gym is my own personal hell. I love it because I know what fitness can do for me. I know that exercise is great for my body, mind, & soul (or so that’s what all the fitness magazines & online articles that consume my Facebook newsfeed tell me)… But I also know that the elliptical kicks my ass. I know that my arms are tired from doing weights & my knees feel like toothpicks during lunges. I know that the girl in front of me on the treadmill was born with that figure that I’m envious of (you know… the one who shrinks right back up after she has had a baby like nothing ever happened… Like she didn’t just push a watermelon out of her tiny self. C’mon!) I know that I can do a whopping 5 push-ups (Fine… 5 of the “girl ones”).  I know that this Guido (Is that still a thing? Can I still use that word?) ridden place, along with a healthy (boring) change in how much I choose to consume & what I choose to feast on, can give me the healthy lifestyle the majority of us seek.

So, here I am… Week 4 of my change. This is approximately the 72nd “Week 4” I’ve ever had in an attempt to get fit, just so you know. But that’s beside the point.

I want it this time. Not for some guy… Not in hopes of living a life like those perfect characters on Gossip Girl (whom I love dearly)… Not for a job or cause it’s annoying being the chunky chick on a night out with friends… But I want it for me. I want to be healthy & have a banging body. I don’t want to look pregnant or feel like a kangaroo whenever I wear a damn romper. I want to prove my doctors wrong.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s hard. I know that. This is probably the most difficult challenge I’ve ever signed up for… But it’s one I don’t want to quit this time. I don’t want to walk away. I don’t want to give up cause it’s hard. I want to work for it & not give up when my body wants to shut down.

& I’m going do it.

Watch me.

“Because at the end of the day, I’m doing it for me.”

Dear Me…

Dear 16-year-old Sarah,


So you just had your first heartbreak…


I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry he treated you that way & said the things he did. I’m sorry you’re taking his words to heart. I’m sorry you think this is you’re fault & that you’re blaming yourself & replaying where you & only you went wrong. I’m sorry he’s consuming so much of your thoughts & time.

Most of all… I’m sorry you’ve yet to discover all the doors opening from the one door he slammed shut.


Thankfully, I can promise you this is the last time (for a while, at least) that you will ever feel so low.

(If it makes you feel any better, you didn’t miss out on anything, he did. He turns out to not be your type… So instead of crying & giving him the amount of power over you that you sadly do, you should be thanking him.)

Because he let you go, you’re now free to be 100% yourself! To find someone who really cherishes you & sees the wonderful person you are… (Cause trust me, you really are one-of-a-kind). He also taught you that it’s a damn good thing to be picky about who you let in… Whether it be potential boyfriends or even just friends. 

Don’t you dare change your personality, Sarah! Don’t change your sense of humor or the way you style your hair. Don’t change the way you laugh or how much you talk (sadly, that last part never changes.  But it’s okay. You’ll come to find that your big, outgoing, smiley mouth is what draws people to you, trust me.) Want to make a change? Change how easily you trust.

While you’re busy moping around over señor douchebag… There are a few things I want to suggest you do.


1) Workout. I’m not saying live at the gym, but even a nice breezy walk or lifting some weights will help change your mood & help you de-stress. Trust me, girl, it works wonders for your overall health & state of mind. 🙏

2) Find hobbies you enjoy. They’ll keep you busy… You need to spend time doing things you enjoy right now.

3) Take some time for yourself. Don’t jump back into hanging with friends right away. When you feel the need to be alone, be.

4) Let yourself be happy. Yes, conditions & events do mold your emotions, but make happiness your state of mind. Wake up with a touch of optimism & positivity. Get your mind right.

5) Cry. It feels good. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you feel. DUH.

6) DON’T creep on his Facebook. You don’t needta see his business & he sure as hell shouldn’t be snooping in yours. Those days are over. For now.

7) Remember it’s his loss, not yours. Him leaving was truly a favor. If anything, it benefited you.

8) Enjoy your youth. When people say you’re young, you really are young. REALLY young. 50 years from now is a different story…

9) He was you first love. He won’t be your last.

10) Everyone has to go through heartbreak & breakups. Hurt, feel it, then grow. One day you’ll look back trying to remember what you ever saw in him in the first place. 

(Years later…You’re still trying to figure that out.)

11) He didn’t break up with you cause you’re “hideous” & “boring” (God knows you’re anything but boring, crazy girl…) Get that outta your head. He broke up with you cause he’s a 19 year old male & you wouldn’t put out… & I am so proud of you for that, Sarah. I’m proud of you.

12) Clean your freaking room. As much as you hate cleaning… Somewhere deep (way, way, WAY deep) inside, it’s therapeutic. 

13) You’ll come to find that after every breakup or life changing event, you rearrange your room… This is the first time it comes into play. Enjoy!

14) Buy yourself flowers. You deserve it. 😘

15) Focus on school. Seriously. You need to. You’re so smart but you’re spending way too much time with the wrong people. Regroup. Take the time & energy you’re putting into missing him & hanging with these people… & redirect it towards your education (& especially that GPA, yikes). You have such potential… I know how much you want to give up & how most of the things you’re learning are irrelevant & don’t make sense… Stick with it. Your scholarship will pay for your first two years of college & then some.


Believe me now?

16) Don’t ever give someone the satisfaction of you begging for their attention or affection. Women never beg. You’ll never do this again, I promise you that. If they want to go, let them. You don’t need anyone who doesn’t need you, my dear. You’re worth fighting for.

Yeah, you’ll miss them, temporarily… & then you’ll forget their names… & they’ll continue kicking themselves & missing you. They frequently tell you so. You’ll be polite & say you miss them too… You’re lying.

17) Stop. STOP. Honestly. Take a breath. What did he ever do for you? Any decent human being wouldn’t let you go so easily, especially in the manner he did. He’s 19. What do you think the odds were of you two actually working out?

18) Don’t become who hurt you. That’s one pointer you’ve known all along. Keep that mentality.


PS: You’ll become friends again years later after he apologizes to you… But you’ll never feel for him again.

(He misses you. He still wonders “what if”. He regrets leaving. You haven’t thought about him in years. Safe to say you came out on top.)

From this one, you only get a lesson, not the man… But it’s a lesson that ultimately molds who you become. Without him, you’d be a little more weak, a lot more eager & dependent on another human being & a whole lot insecure. But listen to me, girly… Don’t you EVER allow yourself to be propped up by another. No one will ever be as sturdy for you as you can be for yourself.

Someday you’ll learn to love yourself… It’s a process, but you’ll get there…

Til then,

Know that I love & value you.


Each day is a new day to get it right… Make it happen, kid. You’re going places.

Sincerely,

23-year-old Sarah