THIS IS ME.

This is me. The REAL me. 100% unfiltered, non-dolled up, haven’t even brushed my hair after showering…me.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

To post something like this, opening myself to criticism (even from myself) is a very difficult thing for me to do. But it’s honest.

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For as long as I can remember, my confidence & self image has been non-existent. The amount of self-doubt & self-HATE that I possessed for myself was so unhealthy to the point I cut off people I loved & who loved me because I didn’t feel worthy. I would avoid going anywhere, even to the grocery store, cause I was humiliated for people to have to see me.

I hated myself. I hated the “skin” I live in.

I gained a massive amount of weight in a short period of time from a hormone issue/endocrine disorder that consumed me & my mind for 12 years.

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But now, in this place of my life, I’ve come to love my crazy, wild hair that grows so slowly. I’ve come to not care about my thin eyebrows (they’re just that… Eyebrows). I’ve come to accept my knock-knees I inherited from my beautiful mama… & my “Lebanese nose”. I’ve come to realize that having uneven skin is just a part of life. I’ve come to the point where I don’t care that my thighs & “bat wings” jiggle cause I am beyond blessed to have properly working arms & legs. My belly is squishy, I’m pale, & I have cellulite on my thighs.

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But ya know what…?

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I love myself BECAUSE I am perfectly imperfect.

I LOVE MYSELF because I have a heart of gold. I love myself because I’m surrounded by amazing people who wouldn’t be there if I weren’t worth loving. I love myself because I was made by the King of Kings… The great I AM. I love myself because it’s too exhausting to kick myself down any more. I LOVE myself cause I now realize the things I once hated about myself are the very things that set me apart… That make me unique… That make me, ME.

 

I REFUSE to be so hard on myself. I REFUSE to think negative thoughts about who I am & especially what I look like. I REFUSE to let the people I love think I don’t hear them or that I’m not listening when they tell me I look beautiful… Or when they tell me they love me… Or when they try to remind me that I’m smart, gifted, & kind.
I refuse to hurt them by hating myself.
Why people put so much emphasis on looks, I will never understand… It has caused so many people to think less of themselves for not fitting this mold… It has caused ME to think less of myself.

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These things I hated for years about myself are NOT SO BAD. They’re not the end of the world.

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Hating yourself, telling yourself you CAN’T do something, that you’re not good enough, & being your own worst enemy… THAT is what’s bad. THAT will be your downfall.
So as nice as it is to hear people tell you they love you, I want YOU to look in the mirror & tell that person looking back at you that you love them… That they are valuable… That they are capable of anything they want to do with their life & that NO superficial “beauty standard” will EVER take away from their natural beauty.

This is easily the most revealing & hardest thing I’ve ever shared… But it has also been the most invigorating.
Love yourself. Believe in yourself. & most importantly, forgive yourself for not doing so sooner. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

xx.

Happy Pay It Forward Friday!

  

(I just made that up… Kinda nice though, right?!)

Anywho, I woke up this morning longing for nothing more than, you guessed it, Starbucks.

While, as a Christ-following woman, I’m supposedly upset with the company (since apparently like 2 upset Christians speak for the entire group of people now & have the power to cause such an uproar when, in reality, no one gives a crap- yet for some reason others bought into it, thus milking the publicity stunt to bring the overpriced coffee chain even MORE of the big bucks- any who…), I drove my booty to the one place that could quench my killer craving. 

While in line at the drive-thru, I couldn’t help but feel like an idiot when I was more than willing to pay $5, five dollars… FIVE stinking DOLLARS (& 7 cents) for a mediocre cup of cappuccino… But I was, so I ordered. & I waited. (I can’t even justify why I spend so much on it… So I’m just gonna move along.)

Eagerly, I pulled up to the window with the Starbucks app open on my phone & ready to pay. And what does the barista tell me? “Your order was paid for by the woman in front of you. So you are good to go!”

My first thought: “Wow! Really??? That was really kind of her…”

My second thought: “Poor thing had no idea she was gonna havta dish out an extra $5… Maybe $4 & some change (we are at Starbucks, after all)… But not $5… That is a really good woman. Bless her.”

In result, it inspired me to pay for the persons drink behind me (since I like to think that’s how this whole thing works)… Which ended up being some kinda tea for only $2.74…(I kinda feel guilty since theirs was so cheap… But was still nice to know they would be surprised pulling up to the window… All I can hope is that they felt as pleasantly surprised at a strangers kindness as I did… & kept it going).

Short story LONG… My way-too-expensive coffee was 3x as good. (: It’s nice to receive… But it’s even nicer to give in hopes the chain continues…

I hope the sweet lady in front of me (or whoever started the “kindness chain”) has someone do the same for them. (: It made my day.